I am Vanessa and I am a transexual woman. It took a pandemic for me to realize the importance of living my truth. Since I was young, I have always been interested in the female form- how they dressed, how they behaved, how they lived- and longed to be one. Unfortunately, I had to squash these desires as my parents were very strict and conservative. I face the pointed edge of the cane whenever I behaved in a feminine way. So, I begin to hide this secret identity.
As years went by, it become harder to keep my secret and I started venturing out dressed as a woman. My new identity brought me great pleasure and sometimes great heartache. Pleasure was when people treated me as a woman, called me ‘madam’, inviting me to try on dresses and lingerie. However I have also been verbally insulted, spit on, sexually abused and beaten up. Things took a drastic turn when I was ganged raped by my boyfriend and his friends.. After the trauma of that episode, I decided I never wanted to be a woman again, vulnerable and weak. I decided to deny everything and follow the plans my parents laid out for me; find a new life, devote myself to god, find a wife and get and married.
But alas, I could not deny who I was; I was a woman and she was raging to get out. I had buried her long enough! However, accepting myself and gaining the acceptance of others hasn’t always been easy. Some of my friends are still learning to cope with my new identity because they only recognise my male form. But through this long and arduous journey I have found rays of sunshine. Like the universe connects all living things, it connected me with people who have accepted me just the way I am. These friends have helped me to find myself. Their positivity has helped me battle all the negativity life has thrown at me.
Today, I am unbreakable and resilient. I live by the mantra of John Maxwell’s quote: “A difficult time can be more readily endured if we retain the conviction that our existence holds a purpose, a cause to pursue, a person to love, a goal to achieve.”
Though I am often plagued with naysayers and haters, I have found my purpose in life and spend each day committed to that. I continue to focus my energy on empowering women through the pageants I organize and using my platform for good through the online videos about the trans community. Through my adversity and hardships, I have found peace in waking up every morning with a sense of gratitude, which keeps me going even on the darkest days.